The return of the King

Thursday, 18 November 2010

What is the significance of this date? You should all remember. Something in your memory should be screaming out and you are now saying to yourself,

"Yes! There is something...but Ben, please tell us what it is. Enlighten us."

 You are all going to kick yourselves for making me tell you but that it is the date of my last blog post. For those of you that could not remember, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

To confirm the exact time-scales:

It is 477 days since I last blessed you with my influential words of wisdom. For those that are fans of knowing everything, I have taken the time to break this down for you:

• 1 year, 3 months, 20 days. 
• 68 weeks (rounded down) 
• 686,880 minutes 
• 11,448 hours 
• 41,212,800 seconds

How I imagine your faces right now..

Friday, 9 March 2012

The return of the King (me). I know that you will be experiencing a whole range of emotions at this point in time. Angered that I haven't posted for such a long time, but overjoyed that I am now returning to fill the void that has been missing in your life for so long.

For those that are confused and not sure what emotions they are experiencing, please refer to the attached link below, pick out your favourites and leave your comments.

http://www.anneriches.com.au/docs/Listofemotions.pdf

So the one question on your lips right now is probably along the lines of,

"What are you going to start posting about again Ben?"

Well my friends, I will be honest with you. The majority of my posts will be talking about topical issues, news items and the things that really piss me off. I could probably write hourly posts about this but I will summarise certain events and try my best to make them amusing. These 'events' could be in the news, or simply something I have experienced. I will give you two examples...

The first example is a news item. The Costa Concordia disaster. The cruise liner partially sank on the night of 13 January 2012 after hitting a reef off the Italian coast at Isola del Giglio, Tuscany, requiring the evacuation of the 4,252 people on board. The captain of the ship Francesco Schettino has admitted to making the following announcement moments before the sinking:

"My name is Francesco Schettino...and welcome to Jackass."

I am not joking about the event, that would be tasteless. I am merely pointing out that Captain Schettino is a thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish bastard.

Aside from this point, I do think that all future passengers should wear something similar to the following when on board a cruise liner:

For that special evening on a cruise...

My second example is something that really pissed me off. I was on the train home from the gym (yes I work out) on Wednesday when I came across the following two objects:

A fat man

+

A MASSIVE Dairy Milk Caramel chocolate bar

Yes that's right. A fat man and a Dairy Milk Caramel chocolate bar. Harmless you'd think? A large, male human specimen enjoying his life by eating a nutritional bar of shit. Why did this anger me? You want to know? I will tell you...

For those of you that have me on Facebook you may have noticed a status update around the time that I came face-to-face with these two objects:

On review I feel that this is a little harsh.....in the way that I have described it. Harsh on you, the reading public, as I failed to describe the noise he was really making. Not only did it sound like a cow eating grass, it had a bit of a dog drinking water from a bowl in it too. He destroyed the bar, 32 squares of chocolate, within TWO MINUTES. I don't know about you but it would take me at least a full day to eat the whole thing.

He then got off the train and bought a pasty. Fat shit.

All the best,

Ben x

Harry Potter and the Jobseeking Prince...(me)

I know, I know. You're all wondering where I have been for the last 48 hours having not written a new post since Tuesday. Well it turns out you see that I do actually have a life...this will be very hard for the majority of you to come to terms with, but my friends, it is true. Tuesday night involved a training session and then I spent Wednesday studying and the evening at a pantomime rehearsal...yes I'm in a pantomime for those of you that haven't read my 'Nutty Nick' post. In my spare time between all of those committments I have been applying to a number of jobs from which I have had a few replies today. Lucky me eh!? "What jobs Ben?" I hear you ask...a question which I will refuse to answer no matter how many time you ask me...

Could this be my future job?

No disrespect to any refuse collectors but this is probably one of the last jobs on Earth I would ever go for...however if I had a gun to my head I would do it, of course, I would be silly not to.

So you've probably guessed that this post is about jobs, right? WRONG. It isn't. In fact, I'm going to spoil you all and change the subject and direction of my post towards something much more magical...Harry Potter. Yes the little wizard whom the majority of the Nation have grown to love...and I have to say I am NOT one of this majority. I recall reading the first few chapters of the first ever book and stopped as I thought to myself (even at such a young age, just shows how mature I was)...this can't actually happen can it? I mean, there definitely isn't and never will be a magic school where wizards are trained. If I'm honest, if I can't relate something to the real world, I struggle to enjoy it.

Umm excuse me Harry...eyes up please...and stop fondling with Hermione.

CAPTION COMPETITION!!!!! SEND ME YOUR BEST EFFORTS!!!!!

It has to be said, if Harry Potter was so damn magical and a gifted wizard, why has he not yet performed a trick to cure his own eyesight and get himself laid? If I looked like him, and had disabled eyes, that's what I would do...I'd also get that scar removed, it's amazing what plastic surgeons can do these days, someone should tell him. He should also be a good mate to Ron Weasley and cure that disease of his (gingeritis) (I have nothing against ginger people, in fact I love the hair colour but for the purposes of comedy, just go with it!!) Anyway...what is the attraction to the Harry Potter series, I have heard many people say that the books are better than the films and the films miss a lot out. Others criticise me saying I have no imagination and cannot feel like I'm apart of his adventure...my reply to this is that it isn't at all due to a lack of imagination, I'm just not bonkers like the rest. I understand why people are so involved in it but as for myself, no way. Oh and a side issue here, what the hell has Emma Watson done to her hair??? What a waste. She looks like a lesbian now for sure, not saying she is, but she sure looks like one. (I understand that I may have just sterotyped a lesbian as having short hair, but for the purpose of this post, just go with it.) I used to have a little thing for her but until she regrows that hair...I will be staying well away!

Nice face...

As for Daniel Radcliffe himself, (the guy who plays Harry Potter for those of you who haven't been out of your house for a decade or so), I saw him on the Graham Norton show last week. He rushed across from the premiere in London to be on the show half way through...and to be honest, he may as well have not even bothered. All I gained from the experience was coming to the conclusion that he is a freak. Fair play that he is now a multi-millionaire but really Danny...did you have to act like that on TV? He recited every element in the periodic table...what a goon. It was that song now on youtube...for those of you that want to see it and just what Dan did on the show... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFIvXVMbII0 that is it done properly...however this is the Graham Norton Show version that Mr Daniel Radcliffe performed... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSAaiYKF0cs ...definitely worth watching both clips!!!

First class goon.

Stick to acting, you're not the greatest TV/Film personality ever...I suppose that's why you rarely see him give many interviews...right?


So who likes Harry Potter? Why do you like Harry Potter? I want reasons. Give me them and try to change my mind. I would love to love the books and the films but I just can't see it...but please try. I want to be a sheep like everone else...

All the best,

Ben x

Kate and Wills...

"She said yes!"

 When someone said to me today that Kate and Wills are getting married next year, my reaction was..."Good for them, are we invited?" Call it ignorant but I had to take a few seconds to realise who they meant. It of course the news that Prince William and Kate Middleton are to marry sometime next year...but I ask the one key question that is on everyones lips..."Are we bothered?"...Now I cannot promise a definitive answer to this question but I will certainly have a good go. The short answer is "No." However that wouldn't make a good read for anyone (assuming someone is read this of course...)

I wasn't talking to you...

I have to be honest, I went off the Royal Family when Diana died that gloomy night in Paris. I remember waking up that morning and had a horrible feeling something had happened...and I was right...I forgot to lock the front door and I was going to be in trouble for it. Then I turned on the news and found out. But that is another story for another time. Kate and Wills met at St. Andrews University and were in the same halls as one another. They were developing a huge amount of respect for eachother and a friendship blossomed, now years later, they are to be married. Great. Super. But all I care about is if we get a national holiday for the day...not that I have a job not to go in to, but hopefully by then I will. If that is the case, and we get the day off, I still won't be tuning in or lining the streets screaming in celebration.

Think you have come to the wrong event mate...

What bothers me most about this announcement is that no one actually cares about the two of them as people, becoming bound in marriage. Even David Cameron, our superb (hahaha jokes) Prime Minister looked as if he had other things on his mind when greeting the press in Downing Street this morning and Maggie Thatcher saw him on the news and asked her aide, "Who is that coming out of my house?"...bless her. Anyway, my point is that people are gossiping about it the wedding. Ladbrokes are now taking bets on where the honeymoon will be...and just in case you're interested on placing a wager, Magaluf is at 500/1 and Butlins 2500/1...have a pop, you never know. They might even book the honeymoon suite at Pontins for £25 a night. Perfect. The gossiping magazines are also trying to guess what dress Kate will wear and who will design it. This sells copies apparantly...why are women so drawn to these magazines? They flick through for a bit, get bored, look at the horoscope section, then the problem question page and that's it...pointless.

The honeymoon suite at Pontins (including complimentary teddy bear and half drunk fruit juice)

I suppose that the news today brought us something positive to talk about. I am not for a minute trying to draw on the negatives. Let us all be happy for them, but what remains to be seen is whether the nation get behind them and celebrate. It will be interesting to find out. Are we bothered about it? On balance I would say no, we aren't. It's just another wedding, although this time it happens to be a royal one and not Bob and Sue from down the road. I just hope Kate doesn't try to be Diana. If she does, she will get slated. She already has Diana's ring...I hope for Kate's sake that there are no comparisons to her because, let's be honest, she wouldn't stand a chance, even less of a chance than Audley Harrison last weekend.

All the best,

Ben x

Don't be a tosser...

Now before anyone emails me complaining about my use of the word 'tosser' perhaps you should re-direct your feelings towards Wiltshire County Council. Ten signs have been strategically placed in order to prevent people from 'tossing' their litter to the floor and instead to put it in the bin...amazing don't you think? I mean, I had no idea that was what bins were used for. I just thought they were on streets for people to conceal their bombs or something along those lines, and now they are telling us it is actually for our rubbish??? No but seriously, why?

Could also be a sign for 'Don't put your hand in the blender'...

As you can imagine, here have been many complaints regarding the slogan. It is of course very '21st century' meaning that the council deem it fine as it fits in with with today's society. Maybe with the ASBO-ridden people of Trowbridge (sorry, but it's true) but not for most people. Quick side issue, don't go to Trowbridge unless you have to, it looks like a bombsite. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the slogan. As it happens, I have constructed a slogan that the council could use myself and found a park bench with a funny notice on it...care to read them? Good, because you've read this far, you might as well finish it...first the park bench...

And who could blame him?

"No hooking anytime" - for those who like fishing, or for those who are prostitutes.

Not bad eh? I also thought my local council could put signs up saying, "No chavs"...would clean up the area entirely....in fact, there would be no one left.

The 'Don't be a tosser' campaign is also rocking up in the streets of Suffolk and is making a long-awaited comeback...after losing all the tossers. However the tossers have returned and the campaign in under way. You can even buy car stickers and beer mats with the slogan on.

The position of the hand in the bottom right corner...got to be laughed at surely? Who designed this? It says "Don't be a tosser" so why have you placed a hand in that area?

Believe it or not, Suffolk police are now involved, and guess what....they are tackling anti-social behaviour using that same slogan...so for all you 'Hoodies' out there in Suffolk...I have a message for you..."DON'T BE A TOSSER'...

All the best,

Ben x

Christmas is coming...

...and the geese are getting fat. I typed obese geese into google images in order to add a funny image to the article and on the first page of results it came of with this...

   .....yes, a picture of Sol Campbell, the former England international.

After researching further, it turns out that it is linked to a newspaper article with the opening line as, 'Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat'...I didn't think he looked like much of a goose.

Anyway, I digress, and once again like many times before, I have gone off task. The purpose of this post in of course the 'most wonderful time of the year'. Christmas is on 25th December...for those of you that didn't know that fact, go away...now. However despite it being on one of the last days of the calender year, the build-up to it seems to begin in October and seems to get earlier every year. I heard the first Christmas song on the radio at the end of October as the presenter said, and I quote, "It's nearly Christmas!" How depressing. He must be bored sat there in his chair with his over-sized headphones on talking to people who don't give a hoot what he is saying. Well I certainly didn't.

Luckily they weren't driving when the man on the radio was talking...

                                

It is all well and good being prepared for the big day and getting yourself organised with buying gifts for people, buying the food and alcohol, decorations and flimsy plastic trees (get a real one) but we are moving further and further away from the real reason we have Christmas. Now, let me clarify one point, I am not a church goer. Never have been, and I probably never will be.

Santa and his massive sack...probably the worst artists impression ever.

                                    

However I do go to the midnight mass and go to church on Christmas eve to sing hymns and carols and listen to boring people make speeches. But that does not make me religious. All I'm saying is that we are forgetting why we celebrate Christmas, the birth of Jesus. Now whether you're religious or not, we should be remembering that is why we celebrate the day and the reason the majority of us receive these wonderful gifts. If this 'event' wasn't written about, we wouldn't have the opportunity to exchange gifts or have Christmas parties. I say 'event' because you might be a non-believer and therefore don't believe that any of the Bible works are real or ever happened, I mean let's be honest, water into wine? Curing blindness? The feeding of the 5000? Come on. But despite that, there is nothing wrong in having faith and believing. You cannot dispute it.

The conversation Jesus blatently had...

                                      

What bothers me most about it now though is how early we prepare. Like I said, it's okay buying your gifts, that is just being organised, how I wish I was. But for example, the Christmas lights...in November? Why? As pretty and as atmospheric as it might be getting shoppers in the Christmas spirit, it is far too early. I love this time of year, especially as it gets closer to the day. However if I started buying gifts now and was ready for it by the end of the second week in November like some people, there isn't any real excitement, it evaporates (like when Russel Howard walks onto a stage). The feeling of buying that special gift for someone in November isn't the same as buying it in the week leading up to the 25th. The large build-up is draining the excitement, enthusiam and good-will in to one massive dustbowl.

After draining the excitement from the room, Russel wonders where the audience has gone...

So this Christmas, take a moment or two to realise why we celebrate it, even if you don't believe, like me. And to those people who put the lights up early, stop ruining my Christmas.

Amen

Ben x

Has Cheryl Cole got the X factor?

Call me mad, insane, an idiot or any name under the sun but I cannot see the fascination with Cheryl Cole? Yeah okay, she has a pretty face but let's be honest, she has had a lot of work done...

                           

It is blatently obvious...the shape of her face is different, her teeth, lips...I don't have enough grounds to suggest anything else, or maybe I am just trying to find fault, but I just cannot see the attraction. Afterall, it isn't just a pretty face you see before you (that's the picture on the right I'm referring to by the way). No matter how much money or fame you have, the past is always there to haunt you. I cannot blame her for her rise to fame, if I had the opportunity I might do the same as I'm sure many of you would, but it's the past and her attitude over the last few weeks which has forced me to write this article.....yes, that's right...FORCED!!!

Let me first deal with her past. I don't care who you are, no one can change so much that they rip their roots up out of the ground and leave them behind. Soon after Cheryl shot to fame, she managed to get herself arrested and land herself a conviction and as a result, a criminal record for.....assault. You can make all the excuses possible, but that puts me off almost immediately. Of course this isn't the reason I have decided to write this article, we all make mistakes, but all I'm saying is that she shouldn't have done it.....!!!



Cole (then Tweedy) leaving court



Let me just make one thing clear, I don't hate the girl, I have no reason to hate her, it is a very strong word. I just feel very strongly about what has been going on recently. This concerns the x factor. First of all, I don't consider her to be the best singer in the world, if she entered the competition as a solo artist, she wouldn't get past boot camp, great image maybe, but in terms of her voice, no good. I am also no expert on dancing, but my girlfriend is a dancer and therefore I feel that this entitles me to an opinion on the matter, but watching her dance and sing at the same time.....not my cup of tea. She appears to me very wooden, and jagged. Not fluid at all. No one is perfect, I am far from that, but I wouldn't be entertained by her in concert and after recently miming on x factor, it wouldn't push me into buying a ticket for my most hated person, let alone myself!! Based on these grounds it begs the question...Why is she judging talent? She is by no means talentless, but being judged by her on signing??????? This links to Alesha Dixon on Strictly. She has no idea about ballroom dancing and its' technicalities, so why on earth is she juding the people on there...she has won it yes, but still. I don't care if Cheryl Cole brings in hoards of extra viewers, she has no reason to be judging singers. All these people are interested in is money and themselves. They couldn't give a flying duck about their acts, hence why Cheryl flew to L.A in the week and left them to it.



A flying duck...



My next issue is the way she is treating some contestants on the show. First of all, Wagner (pronounced as Vanger, Louis). She has treated him with so much disrespect of the last few weeks it is unreal, sat there shaking her head as he performs, how dare she!? It isn't the guy's fault that people vote for him is it? Or is it entirely his fault? He, like Mary, is brilliant for the show, funny yet entertaining and a breath of fresh air. He gets a great reaction and people love him...sorry Cheryl. But give him a break. And if this hasn't been enough, Cheryl's reaction to Paige on last night's show (13/12) and the song choice was unbelievable. Not only did she insult him but the great Elton John. Elton has recorded 40plus albums in his decade-spanning career and Cheryl wasn't familiar with the song choice...Crocodile Rock...I mean what the f$%k?! How disrespectful is that??? I just laughed, could not believe what I was hearing.

My final point. Yes I'm nearly done, don't worry, the rant is nearly over. But as far as I'm aware, the US authorities make it very difficult to work or live over there if you have previously been arrested or have a criminal record. So why is that Cheryl Cole is able to waltz over there in business class and set herself up a home and a career and Joe Bloggs from around the corner isn't??? Well it's because of her money and popularity, that's the answer, but it isn't right. She is no better than the next person in the UK who was convicted of assault...

Anyway, has Cheryl Cole got the x factor??? I don't think so. Now many of you will disagree, and I'd welcome your arguments and thoughts on this. I know she has had a hammering recently, but it was her performance as a judge on x factor last night and over the last few weeks that has really made me consider her likeability. Surely people are starting to see through the mask she has created for herself (or the one her surgeon gave her).

All the best,

Ben x

Public Transport - Free or not free? That is the question...

Public Transport has to be one of the most debated issues of our time due to the rising levels of carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions and how it is affecting our environment. Of course there are other harmful substances but for the sake of your time and science, I won't be going into a huge amount of depth about them. So would making public transport free reduce these levels?

Of course when I'm talking about public transport, I mean buses and trains. The expense of plane journeys and ferries are so expensive it isn't even worth considering (although in my opinion, prices could still come down a lot more, I blame B.A). There are many arguments for and against this issue but again for the sake of your time I won't be going over all of them, just a few of the key points that should be brought to people's attention. Let me give you a few statistics that are necessary when considering the issue of free public transport:

• In the US alone there are 250million cars on the road.
• Each car on average produces 5.2 metric tons of CO2 per year. That is a grand total of: 1,300,000,000 metric tons of CO2 per year (that is 1billion 300million just in case you don't read numbers).
• In the UK there are 33million vehicles on the road. 27million of these are cars.
• 22% of UK emissions are from road transport.

Shocking isn't it? Okay well it's gone down a bit but you get the picture...For more details and more statisitcs, check out http://www.airquality.co.uk/

Let us get on to the debate with the facts in mind. One of the largest barriers to sustainability is of course the use of motor vehicles as a primary use to get around the country. The concerns of global warming are rising all the time and we have developed and are developing technology for cleaner and safer vehicles producing less emissions. For example, we could use natural gas powered cars and buses. This alone would reduce emissions greatly. Using hydrogen or hybrid vehicles is the way forward for sure, but with new ideas comes a heavy cost. Given the facts I have just stated, and the amount of CO2 emissions road transport produces, that is reason enough to make public transport free...right? WRONG. It isn't. Sorry if you guessed 'right'...




Use  buses, they are really safe...



The old adage goes, 'nothing in life is free'. In the true spirit of economics, nothing but the air we breathe and the love we give and recieve is free in life. At the end of the day everything has a cost whether we like it or not. It is all well and good saying "make public transposrt free!" (or words to that effect, that's what I'd shout if I was protesting) but there is a layoff with regard to who pays for it. What would happen if it all became free? Well if you read on, I'm about to tell you...

The people who end up using this public transport day in and day out do not pay for it. This does not mean however that no one has to foot the bill. Any guesses as to who will pay for it? Yes that's right, you. Well not just you. That would be pretty worrying...of course when I say 'you', I mean the tax-payer. No such thing in today's world is free. The drivers have to be paid and the buses filled up with petrol or diesel or whatever those things need and they all have to be maintained. All of that comes at a huge cost, and if it was to become free, then taxes would inevitably rise and the government would bleed money from us from somewhere else.

Go on, I dare you...

At the end of the day I believe public transport is actually affordable. Otherwise no one would use it. Personally, I hate buses and I'm not the biggest fan of trains. I'm not scared of them, no no no, but I just hate the idea. Driving my own car for me is my personal space, I can play music, and listen to whatever I want and whatever noise level I want. This cannot be done on a bus or train. I know there are ipods but you always get some miserable sod who walks up or leans over to you so say, "can you turn that down please?"...to which my initial response in my head is, "No. Piss off!"...but of course I politely say, "yes of course, sorry." Is that just me??? Anyway I've gone off topic.


Here are some very tedious ways to reduce your emissions:

• Avoid using the car for short journeys, get the bike out, dust it down and keep fit! Or just walk.
• Lighten up - not in your mood but in the weight of your car, take off roof racks, people and items out of your boot. It really does make a difference and it will save you money!
• Steady your speed - for all you boy and girl racers out there, relax, there's no hurry.
• Avoid using air conditioning and other on board electrical appliances, this increases your fuel consumption.
• Share your journeys.

Okay, you can stop cringing now...but I am just trying to help you!

How I imagine you right now...

There is a difference between making public transport free and encouraging people to use it as their mode of transport. But it doesn't matter what people say, I will always use my car.

All the best,

Ben x